Associated Press – Cedar Falls, IA
March 10th, 2010
by beat writer Mike Staebell
“The two dots over the top of the ‘u’ was the last straw,” a local singer/songwriter announced last week to a group of uninterested reporters.
Upon hearing news that his song “In My Head”, was recently ripped off and was topping the charts, Mike Staebell, the self-proclaimed founder of the “In My Head” premise, along with his band, vowed to take their case all the way to the Cedar Falls Supreme Court.
” ‘In My Head’, really?! You can’t come up with anything new and/or original dude? ….And honestly, how self-righteous and artsy do you have to be to request the two dots on top of the U in your name? I mean, honestly…”
The bitter musician took one more pull off his cigarette, looked off into the distance, and continued his rant. “He’s definitely not German, and I’m pretty sure only Germans put those stupid little dots on top of their ‘U’s’.”
The egomaniacal 26 year old stood up, sat back down, stood back up again, pounded his fist on the podium, and shouted, “Ya know what else the Germans did? Started World War Fucking Two!”
A confused group of reporters sat idly, not sure what to make of the press conference they found themselves a part of.
“Aren’t you, like, supposed to be talking about your starting line-up, pitching rotation, and spring training schedule?” A daring young journalist questioned.
“Negative,” Staebell immediately replied, as if he anticipated the remark. “I run the show here, and you WILL listen to what I have to say. This Jason Derülo character has no idea who he’s effing with. Rest assured if he ever finds his way into Birdsall Stadium, he might be greeted with a 15 mph 10-12 foot-tall arching slow pitch softball aimed directly at his idiot cornrow-filled head. He might change the song’s title to ‘At My Head’, when we’re done with him!
“I don’t know what he’s bitching about,” an anonymous teammate named Twan later admitted. “I don’t see Prince running around complaining after Stable Daze came out with ‘Diamonds and Pearls’. People steal shit. Get used to it.”