Associated Press – Cedar Falls, IA
May 17, 2012
by beat writer Mike Staebell
In an effort to raise funds for the charity organization known as “Retirement,” former HuB greats have organized a charity softball outing to be played at Birdsall Stadium this summer.
That’s right – the once strong, strapping, athletic boys of summer have blossomed into frail, confused, elderly gentlemen, and are asking $500 per ticket to let you watch them attempt to play the game they once dominated.
Gone are the days where HuB greats once occupied lavish nightclubs, raced fast cars, and chased loose women. No more hard turns around 2nd base. No more home runs, beer in the dugouts, or triple plays. No more guts. No more glory. Until now.
“Why, it’sh amashing to shee all theshe guysh out here playfully toshing the shoftball around,” former All Star Nate Prehm barely managed to push out of his elderly mouth. “It’sh hard to believe how much time’sh pashed …. shinshe….. we all……” *falls asleep*
Upon hearing news of the upcoming HuB reunion, former left fielder and now retired journalist Mike Staebell was quick on the scene, and decided to find out how these former HuB greats currently live their frail, pathetic lives in retirement.
Jordan Scales
Jordan “The Juice” Scales has made national headlines this month, as he faces perjury charges in our nation’s highest court: the Cedar Falls Recreation Department’s District 9 Court of Appeals. Scales is accused of lying under oath, and has denied reports that he allowed another player to “Repeatedly inject an unknown substance into his buttocks.” We can only hope this unknown substance is steroids.
Scales is currently awaiting trial, and upon permission from Commissioner John Crews has been cleared to play in the Game of Champions, given the proceeds go towards charity.
Anthony Twan King
After retirement, Anthony “Twan” King made a historically successful run in the Mexican Softball Leagues as a starting pitcher. Twan famously sported dreadlocks, picked up an endorsement from K-Swiss, and even landed his own show on HBO entitled “Eastbound and Twan.”
In recent years, the Cedar Falls public access network executives have reached out to Twan, and offered the controversial and larger-than-life icon a color commentary role during softball playoffs. Current news anchors anticipate spending over half of their on-air time trying to decipher the confusing, incoherent Twanglish that tumbles out of his mouth.
Twan is penciled in as the starting pitcher in the Game of Champions, and has gone on air claiming he will “STROCKOUT AT LEEST AIRY BATTA WUNTZ!”
Skyler Boyer
Not much is known of Skyler “Atta” Boyer’s life since he mysteriously retired and disappeared many years ago. Some claim to have seen him wandering the moonlit hills of Pheasant Ridge golf course – metal detector in hand, with his baby blue bathrobe barely covering his naked, pathetic, wrinkly body.
Reports indicate Skyler will make an appearance in the Game of Champions, in what capacity is anyone’s guess.
@Matt Klein
Matt “Ginger Robinson” Klein has had perhaps the most storied retirement of all former HuB sluggers. Breaking down social barriers, swiping away bigotry and hatred, and leading a sociopolitical revolution have been just some of the activities this fiery-headed slugger has embarked upon in recent decades. After he broke the Ginger Barrier and retired his number 42 jersey, Klein has made numerous public appearances at ginger rallies across the nation. Klein is also Chairman of the Board on the Ginger Committee, an organization dedicated to promote redheads as a viable force in beer league softball. He is the committee’s sole member, and is still awaiting his first red-headed successor in the league.
Commisioner Crews has since released a statement banning Klein from participating in the Game of Champions, as the long-standing bigotry still runs deep in the corrupt, hate-filled halls of Cedar Falls City Hall.
Matt Humpal
Matt “Coach” Humpal has become a very popular and public figure in recent years. After getting married and having two kids, he approached KWWL and pitched an idea for a new hilarious sitcom, entitled “Just The Four Of Us!” In this outrageously funny situational comedy, Humpal will play a fictionalized version of himself – a retired football coach who struggles to deal with the everyday problems of modern day family life. It will air every Wednesday morning at 4:00AM on KWWL.
Matt plans to play catcher in the upcoming Game of Champions.
Mike Staebell
Mike “the Beat” Staebell has led perhaps the saddest, most meaningless and tragically boring life since he retired from the game. Once known as a staple in the softball journalism industry, Staebell now lives his days relentlessly hacking away at his rusty typewriter, with nothing to write about. One positive note for him, however, is that he will be one of 25 softball journalists to be honored at the Cedar Falls Softball Journalism Luncheon. This ritzy shirt-tucked-in event will take place next Wednesday at the Rotary Reserve. If you plan on making an appearance, make sure you bring your wallet. Plate charges are upwards of 6 dollars, but do boast a healthy portion of mashed potatoes, snot-flavored gravy and two medium sized slabs of outrageously dry turkey.
Mike plans to occupy left field in the Game of Champions.
Other notables:
Marcus Kjeldsen – currently running for Cedar Falls Mayor/Commissioner in the Fall of 2012. Marcus currently leads the incumbent, Mayor John Crews, by a score of 1 delegate to 0 with less than .01% of precincts reporting. Therefore, HuB Softball Weekly can announce Marcus as the projected winner of this election. Many congratulatory thoughts go to Kleldsen and his staff.
Nate Prehm – Nate is currently teaching a kayaking class with his hetero life partner JAKE ARENDS. They both continue to evade questions surrounding their decision to ride in the same kayak.
Austin Sorg – Austin continues to carry out his prison sentence after the “bandshell” incident that shook this sex addict to his core.
These HuB heroes are looking forward to providing softball fans with a unique experience. A chance to basque in the nostalgic glow of the yesteryears, when life seemed simpler. Life went on for our former heroes. The world kept spinning. And old man time captured a few more victims along the way. As I wrap up this bittersweet article, I find myself tearfully typing away in a lawn chair in the outfield grass of Birdsall Stadium. And just now, former HuB pitcher Skyler Boyer majestically appeared out of nowhere. He looked at me, and I looked back in complete shock. After a few minutes of silent awe, he finally opened his frail, wrinkly mouth, and softly muttered, “Is this heaven?”
“No,” I said bluntly. “The answer is simply no.”
“But –”
“Not heaven.”
“Oh.” A confused, yet equally emotional Boyer slowly turned around, and started walking dramatically into the ankle-high bean field behind him, anticipating a miraculous transportation back to where he came from.
He failed to disappear.
After a few awkward and uneventful steps, he looked around, looked back at me. “Eh, fuck it. Let’s go grab a beer.”