by beat writer Mike Staebell
In what could be considered the worst rollout in the history of the internet, HuB.GuV continues to confuse and frustrate a majority of its user base, the Associated Press reported Monday.
The web site, pioneered by HuB President Marcus Kjeldsen, was originally intended to act as an online marketplace for HuB patrons to purchase concert tickets. But as tens upon tens of would-be concertgoers simultaneously flocked to the site to secure their HuBernment-mandated concert attendance, the site buckled under the perplexingly unexpected amount of traffic. Many of its users reported long load times, site crashes, and in some cases, thick, black smoke and flames to violently bellow out of their desktop computers, tablets, and mobile devices.
The failure of the launch has greatly eroded the people’s confidence in HuBernment programs, much to the dismay of Mr. Kjeldsen and his administration. “The failure of the launch has greatly eroded the people’s confidence in HuBernment programs, much to the dismay of me and my administration,” Kjeldsen announced Sunday in his weekly address. “Rest assured, you will soon be able to purchase tickets for upcoming December shows, including The Pork Tornadoes, Arch Allies, The Pork Tornadoes, Bob Dorr and The Blue Band, The Pork Tornadoes, and even our New Year’s Eve bash featuring The Pork Tornadoes.”
Though not directly responsible for the technical workings of the site, the president vowed to supervise future efforts to improve the user experience and ultimately ensure that each and every HuB patron had the ability to shop and compare prices for their HuBernment-mandated entertainment.
“This is a perfect example of HuBernment overreach directly impacting the Cedar Fallsian people,” Bartender Minority leader Kyle Talbot insisted to reporters. Talbot and other ReHublicans are joining forces in a quest to repeal the Affordable Concert Act that passed over three years ago.
Mr. Kjeldsen still defends his bill, insisting that it will ensure everyone an equal right to attend HuB concerts. He and other HuBocrats continue to insist that the HuBernment mandate, originally a ReHublican proposal, will ultimately drive down cover charges for all citizens.
According to a HuB House spokesman, an update on the site’s progress will be posted on HuB.GuV as soon as site developers can determine “what a database is” and “how HTML works.”
In the mean time, anyone interested in attending a Pork Tornadoes concert this Friday, next Saturday, the following Thursday and Saturday, and New Year’s Eve can do so at the door, by phone, or by simply sneaking in through the back door when no one is looking.