Associated Press – Cedar Falls, IA
June 10th, 2010
by beat writer Mike Staebell
Unless you’ve been locked in a cellar for the last 2 months, you’ve probably heard the news. In one of the most devastating environmental disasters in HuB Softball history, countless gallons of Bud Light continue to spill into one of the community’s most pristine wildlife reserves – George Wyth Lake.
In a failed attempt to supply the shoreline with ice cold beer over Memorial Day weekend, an underwater beer pipe connecting OP Hill to the Gulf of Wyth exploded, causing gallons upon gallons of the intoxicating suds to leak into the ecologically sensitive lake. Mayor Crews was quick to point the finger at the top executives at OP Corp, who continue to push blame onto 3rd party contractors such as HuBiburton and TransLake Industries.
“Those pricks at HuBiburton botched the whole operation. They were pumping the suds way too fast. We tried to slow them down. But they kept demanding more beer.” OP Executive Matt Sheldon insisted last week while rolling around in a pile of cash. “It seems Mayor Crews’ approval of offshore drinking has literally blown up in his face.”
HuBocrats, who are outraged at Mayor Crews for negotiating with the ReHuBlicans and allowing offshore drinking in our community, are demanding an end to our dependence on foreign beer.
ReHuBlicans are equally angry with the mayor, because they get mad at everything, regardless of what happens.
Erin Milnes (R-Des Moines) lashed out at a recent ReHuBlican fundraiser, “Why isn’t there more HuBernment involvement here? Oh Yah YooBetcha! Big HuBernment is to blame because they are overly involved in not doing anything! YAH! I can see the Beer Spill from my house! Oh YAH! Drill baby drill! I mean, plug the damn hole! I mean …… uhhhhhh, uhhhhhh ………. uhhhhhh ……. REVEREND WRIGHT!!!” The crowd immediately burst to their feet in an uproarious applause.
Meanwhile, a cool and collected mayor, fresh out of a meeting with OP executives took his turn pointing the finger. “OP is the responsible party in this disaster,” Mayor Crews reassured. “They spilled it, they pay for it. One of those unwritten rules of beer drinking.”
“I don’t know WHO the responsible party is,” ReHuBlican representative Derick Arnold retorted, elbow-nudging an elderly woman standing next to him. “But maybe if the HuB threw more of a “responsible party” *wink* out there at the lake, this disaster could have been avoided….. ohhhhh, oh. Sorry. Too soon?”
While the politicians and beer executives continue to point fingers, the beer continues to gush into the Gulf of Wyth, causing endless fish-only matches of beer pong and belligerent conversations about politics and religion.
“It’s quite the sight,” Mayor Crews said of the fish’s ability to engage in drinking games. “Never seen fish throw a ping pong ball before. The geese are flying sideways, the squirrels are bumpin’ Lady Gaga, and the frogs are just plain passed out. Saw one frog with genitals crudely scribbled on its face. It’s actually pretty hilarious.”
Meanwhile, the HuBs played a few more games, won some, lost some. I mean, I think. We kinda stopped caring.